Grief Doesn't Keep Deadlines -The Story I Couldn't Tell Today.

This week has been hard for me to write. Last week I had a little burst of energy and started to write down my blog titles and a few notes on how I wanted to share our story, and this week when it came to writing the first one I just couldn’t. I know logically nobody asked me to do this but, I also know spiritually it’s something I need to do. Doing so brings up unprocessed emotions and confronts truths that are reality instead of unconfirmed hope. So with this I’ll just start with where I am versus where I would like to be.

I am present but reality is setting in more quickly now. For weeks I didn’t focus on the fact that I almost lost my life, the baby, and all the emotions that came with it. Instead I focused on my physical pain and kept myself busy mentally with deliverables and deadlines. You know like the concern of bills, medical expenses, photoshoots that needed to be edited, work deadlines, wondering if people would be upset if I didn’t respond to their texts and calls during my birthday because I still wasn’t ready to talk etc.

But when we got blessed with financial provision and support from you all, a lot of those thoughts subsided and the reality was so very apparent. Because now all I had left was time on my hands. Time that I could spend seeking the face of the father for answers, processing grief and being raw about the entire event.

But who wants to do that? Not me… especially not for the 6th time. Yes it’s true, this time much like the last pregnancy in October was different for me, I wasn’t crippled in fear as I had been over the span of the last ten years prior (my pastor prayed over me a week before I found out I was pregnant back in October and those chains of mental anguish where finally broken).  I thank God for that because it’s such a dark and heavy thing to live with.

For me it was debilitating for my mind, mental health and emotional well being. Such fear and anxiety led to some pretty heavy things in the pasts those of you who have been my friends for years know the road it led me down. So I mean it with all sincerity when I say, I am forever eternally grateful to no longer be bound by that. However, two things can be true at the same time, such as where do we go from here? I don’t have the fear, I mostly have the faith, but the reality and statistics have shown continued uncertainty. Is this my sign to give up? Do I hold unto promises he gave me that I know or at least thought I knew in my heart? Do we go down the route of IVF? If so am I lacking in faith? If we go the IVF route is that selfish when that money could be used to adopt instead!? If we don’t, am I missing out on provision and the answer right infront of me? Is it pride that questions these things or if more of a surrounded needed from my heart?

These are the thoughts I’ve had as of late. And I know I don’t have to have them answered and figured out right now, in addition to I know it’s a decision I won’t make on my own but in agreement with my husband, but man would it be good to have a sign in which direction should be taken next for when I am fully healed (mind body and spirit).

I guess that’s just something I have to wait on further to get an answer to….So now what? It’s funny because as I am writing these words, one scripture that comes to mind is “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah‬ ‭40‬:‭31‬ ‭

I guess that is the lord answering my whys and quieting my busy mind, and to double down on it  he brought this one to remembrance as well “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalms‬ ‭27‬:‭14‬.

I guess overall I got my answer guys at least for now…, to wait on the right answer, in due time things will be revealed, and to just keep my heart open to receive what ever the answers might be. Thanks for reading this weeks blog.  I’ll check back in with you all next week and who knows maybe then I’ll have the ability to share parts of our story but in the meantime if at bare minimum if it’s just processing these thoughts out loud through writing then I guess that’s okay too💞🙏🏾. Continued prayer is always appreciated.

With love

-Doshie