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The Hurt & The Healer

Five years ago, I wrote a piece called "The Hurt & The Healer" to talk about my grieving process with my first child. It was previously on my former Ministry and Organization page "Rhema & Freedom" but I ended the organization back in 2019. Today would of been my sons 6th birthday to commemorate this day I reflected and reread what I had written all those years ago and decided to repost it here on my site. Though my reality looks a lot different then it did back in 2015 the words of my heart still ring true and I am still awaiting the gift that God will one day bless me with. Until then, I will continue to love on my angel(s)

October 15, 2015

"Im alive even though a part of me has died, lord take this heart and bring it back to life, fall into your arms open wide as the Hurt and the Healer collide” - Mercy Me

My sweet baby boy Samuel, today would have been your 1st birthday . As a year has passed since your expected due date into this world I have often reflected on the things I wanted to tell you. I wish I could tell you I haven’t shed a tear since we had last seen each other but that wouldn’t be true because I cried today. I wish I could tell you that mommas doing alright and she knows your in a much better place but the truth is selfishly I miss you and I want you here with me now. I wish I could show you how much my life has changed since you became apart of it, the ambition I now have for myself as well as loving others unconditionally with out merit is extraordinary. I wish I could show you how great of a mother I would have been to you. I wish I could of held you; but your time here on this earth was just too short…. I wish I could have enjoyed the stages of life with you that some mothers take for granted but the truth of the matter is that day will never come for us here on this earth.

My heart breaks at the thought of this reality that you are not here and that I never got to hold you in my arms or kiss your cheeks. I never got the chance to be upset with you for doing the wrong thing which truthfully is ok; because from the moment that I knew you where in my tummy all I felt was joy happiness and true peace. You my dear sweet child are one of the greatest blessings God has given me and your father on this earth. Even if it was just momentary. The impact you made on our lives opened our eyes to a different part of life and even more importantly a different part of who God is. Though from time to time in my nature as a human questions start to surround me and doubt starts to cloud my mind or better judgment. I know with all my heart that there are certain life lessons and growing pains for maturity and wisdom that can only be obtained through mourning, suffering and death. James 1:2-4 I know that God has not forsaken me nor has he forgot about the tears I have cried , the prayers I have prayed and the hope that has been given to dream again. I know this because God gave us YOU. For in the midst of the barren dry years of trying to conceive all I longed for was to be with child, though the time in between lasted for such a short season it is something remarkable that I will never forget and I pray one day that I will get that chance again but more importantly that I would be able to bring your brother and or sister into this world fully healthy and FULLY ALIVE. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Upon my broken heart there is a even deeper instinct of knowing that my time will come and that it is all in his timing and for his glory alone. For the fruits of the spirit does not come with out trial Galatians 5:22-23 nor does it come with out representation of something so holy and majestic that the world as we know it could not comprehend the magnitude of his majesty. SHEPHERD of my SOUL take my hand and make me whole. For I am hurt yet I AM HEALED. "Weeping may endure for the night but joy cometh in the morning" Psalm 30:5

Pictured below are more photos from my Memorable Memorial Oct 2015 with Louise of "The Lost"

Music Playlist For This Special Week

(Though You Slay Me) - Shane & Shane

We Dance (Steffany Gretzinger)

Hurt and the healer (Mercy Me)

Thy will (Hillary Scott)

Oliviana (JJ Heller)

Come out of hiding (Steffany Gretzinger)

Shepard (Bethal & Amanda Cook)

Come to me (Jenn Johnson)



Hi, thanks for stopping by!

One of my other creative abilities can be seen within the depth of my writing. I keep it transparent and honest. I hope you enjoy these readings as they are the words that scream from the pages of my heart - "The Creative Counterpart" Doshie Dior

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